Classic Blast Rocketron vs the Moon Monster
Note: The following is an excerpt from the original Blast Rocketon serials produced on Earth in the 1930’s. Unlike the current, up dated incarnation, this serial presents some of the ideals and stereotypes typical of the period. These characteristics are included for historical accuracy and in no way represent the current views or opinions of management.
Suzie had been tied to a large pillar. Amazon women circled her washing her, brushing her hair, touching up her makeup and adorning her with flowers and other decorations. A few feet away a female witch doctor circled the display, chanting in her native language. Suzie screamed and kicked, but the women only tightened her bonds and continued their work.
Suddenly the nearby jungle shook with rustling and an alien roar that froze all of the women. With frantic cries they all leapt from the dais and scurried into the jungle in various directions away from the disturbance. The only exception was the elderly witchdoctor who paused just a moment to make one final adjustment to the flowers tied to Suzie’s antenna.
“Don’t worry, you’re a beautiful bride,” the old woman said with a smile before backing away and disappearing into the forest.
“What?” Suzie screamed. “Bride? Who’s bride? I’m not marrying anyone!” But she was suddenly alone, tied to the altar in the middle of the clearing.
Then, with a burst of horrific energy, the jungle exploded toward her in a spray of leaves and broken branches. The Te’Rexa emerged to tower over Suzie. Unable to do anything else, Suzie screamed.
The Te’Rexa was a gargantuan, reptilian creature. Long arms and short legs were offset by a long thick tail that dragged behind it. The beast roared and tore apart a few more trees in a show of strength and dominance. It’s roar revealed a gapping maw full of teeth, each one as large as Suzie
Leaning forward it leered at Suzie for a few moments before snatching her and tearing her away from the ceremonial pillar. The tough scaly skin crushed her and the jagged claws tore at her suit; her struggles only succeeding in more ripping and tearing from the sword sized talons wrapped around her.
Unable to do anything else, Suzie continued to scream as the beast raced back through the jungle. Leaves and branches slapped against her for what seemed like hours until they came to an open glen. Across the way, a sheer rock face blocked their way. But the Te’Rexa adjusted his grip on his captive and crossed over to the cliff ready to scale it.
Suddenly a loud cry cut across the meadow. The beast turned enough for Suzie to see Blast Rocketron racing out of the jungle with a primitive looking spear held before him. The Te’Rexa took a couple of steps forward before stopping to look quizzically at the strange little attacker.
“Blast! Look out!” Suzie screamed. The monster lifted her back and away as he leaned forward and flicked the running human away with his free claw.
Blast tried to roll with the momentum of the attack, but he still crashed hard against the base of a tree and it took several moments for his vision to stop spinning. And when it did, he saw the enormous Te’Rexa striding up and towering over him. Blast barely had time to get his wobbly legs under him before the monster picked him up with his free claw and flung him across the open valley. He crashed hard into the rock face and dropped to the base of the cliff, rolling down a small pile of debris.
“NO!” Suzie began sobbing as the creature approached the still form lying among the gravel. With a triumphant roar it stomped toward its defeated prey.
Blast was just barely able to look up in time to see the huge talloned foot lifting above him, ready to stomp the remaining life out of him. With one final act of desperation, he rolled over onto his stomach and got his knees under him. Then, with no other hope, he once again slapped the dead rocket pack activation switch on his chest. And with the Te’Rexa’s foot inches from crushing him, the rocket pack roared to life and sent a scorching blast of scarlet flame up into the tender base of the reptilian foot.
With a roar of surprised pain, the Te’Rexa flung Suzie into the air and hopped on his remaining good foot. Blast pushed himself away from the mossy grass and arched away from the ground. He saw Suzie flaying through the air and turned to catch her just as she began to fall.
“I’ve got you!” Blast said as he snatched her out of the air.
“Oh Blast,” she sighed as she snuggled into his embrace. A slight adjustment to the throttle pushed more power into the jetpack and sent then shooting through the jungle. Trees and leaves slapped past them in a blur. It didn’t take long for the Te’Rexa to collect himself and take up pursuit, roaring in angry pain and frustration. But despite its long strides, the giant monster didn’t stand a chance with the powerful rocket pack and within minutes, Blast and Suzie had completely lost the beast and were safely on their way back to the village.
But when they arrived, they found the village covered with the shadow of a Jupitorian saucer hovering above. At the speed they were going, even the brief moment of shock was enough to shoot them past the point of stealth. With their approach obvious, Blast continued to the center of the village.
“Oh Blast! It’s the Queen Asteroid, she’s found us!” Suzie said as they landed.
“That’s right!” Queen Titiana Asteroid stepped out from a group of her guards who were keeping their weapons trained on Turtle Man and the rest of the Amazon villagers. She strolled forward and pressed the muzzle a laser gun squarely between Suzie’s eyes. “And I am not happy.”
“What is the meaning of this?” Blast suddenly realized that the weapon she held was the same one he had given to Turtle Man before leaving; it was his own laser pistol.
“I don’t like being humiliated, Blast Rocketron.” The Queen snarled. “We were to be married and I expect to get the things I want.”
“You’re crazy.” Blast sneered.
“That doesn’t matter, what does matter is that if you don’t marry me, I will kill your pretty little girlfriend and all of these people.” Queen Asteroid leered, “No more tricks, no more lies. You’ll marry me honestly and willingly or everyone here dies!”
Blast looked around as every pair of eyes in the village stared at him waiting for his answer. Suzie stared at him shivering and clutching the tattered remains of her spacesuit in front of her in a futile attempt to protect herself. Although her hair and makeup had made it through the ordeal, one metallic antenna was bent and drooped down toward her right ear. The one tiny imperfection only made her more adorable.
“Fine.” He spat, “I’ll do it. No tricks and no deceptions. I will marry you.”
“Oh Blast, you can’t!” Suzie cried.
“I have to do it Suzie,” Blast said looking her in the eye, “Don’t you see, I have to marry the evil Queen because I love you.”
“I love you too, Blast.” Suzie sniffed back a tear and fought to stop her quivering lip.
“Enough of this,” The Queen shoved Suzie back to the rest of the prisoners and pulled Blast to her side. “Say goodbye to Mr. Blast Rocketron and say hello to… uh…”
“’Mrs. Blast Rocketron’?” Blast suggested.
“Actually I was planning on keeping my maiden name. You know, for professional reasons.” The queen replied. “I am queen of Jupitor after all.” Blast gasped.
“Wow, she is evil,” Turtle Man whispered to Suzie.
“Oh, Blast,” Suzie cried, “I hate to think what other nontraditional horrors she has planned for him.”
“I bet after a long day of having him beaten and tortured in the slave pits, she won’t even have his slippers and dinner ready for him when he gets home!” Turtle Man sighed sympathetically.
“Please, no more.” Suzie sobbed, “I can’t imagine anything more horrific!”
By now the village elder had been pulled forward, her book of ceremonies in hand, and was beginning to read the entry that would unite Queen Titiania Asteroid and Blast Rocketron.
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” the elder began the traditional Amazon wedding ceremony, “We are gathered here to join this couple in the bond of holy matrimony…”
During the rambling oratory, Suzie and Turtle Man looked around frantically for some means of escape. But the guards surrounded the village. There was no way out of this. Turtle Man pulled his head further down into his shell.
“Do you, Queen Titiania have any objections to marrying Blast Rocketron?” The elder asked.
“I have no objection.” The queen smiled triumphantly.
“And do you, Blast Rocketron have any objection to marrying Queen Titania?” Blast gave one last look at Suzie before answering.
“I have no objection.” He sighed dejectedly.
“And if…” but the elder was interrupted by the Queen.
“Just a moment if you please,” The queen turned and signaled her guards who raised their weapons and forced them tightly against Suzie and Turtle Man’s heads. Then the queen turned back to the elder and signaled a return to the ceremony. “Okay, you may continue.”
“If anyone disapproves of this union,” the Elder continued, “let them speak now or forever hold their peace.”
The entire village jumped as the trees suddenly exploded to reveal the Te’Rexa towering over the crowd. With a roar, it tore out a claw full of decorations and flung them across the jungle. People screamed, and guards either dropped their guns, ran or both. Only a handful lifted their weapons to take a few shaky shots in the general direction of the beast before turning and joining their retreating companions.
“Upon your kiss,” the elder continued her oration amid the chaos, completely lost in the ancient ritual. “You will be pronounced man and wife”
Oblivious to the formality of the ceremony, the Te’Rexa scanned the crowd for what he was looking for until he saw Blast Rocketron holding the hand of Queen Asteroid. With a roar he snatched the queen out of his hand, lifted her to his eye to look at her quizzically for a moment before snorting with approval.
“Oh Blast!” Suzie ran to Blast’s arms as he grabbed her protectively. Unable to take their eyes off the monster’s conquest of the Jupitorian Queen, they stared on in horror.
“Does… does that count as a kiss?” Blast asked with a weird sense of terror and wonder. Finally the village elder looked up from her sacred tome and followed their gaze up.
“Yup.” She replied. “It’s official. She’s now married to the Te’Rexa” Everyone continued to stare with fascination at the newly married couple.
“I guess I’m not the bride after all,” Suzie sighed with a smile, “…always a bridesmaid.”
“Well, we’ll just have to see about that, won’t we?” Blast smiled down at her.
“Oh Blast! Do you mean it?” Suzie looked up at him with a squeal.
“I do!” he said firmly. Blast reached down and grabbed his laser gun, which Queen Asteroid had dropped when she was grabbed. “What do you say Turtle Man, are you up for being my best man?”
“Oh Blast,” Turtle Man sighed with a tilt of his head, “I can’t be your best man. I’m an alien!”
Everyone stared at Turtleman for a moment before Blast led the entire village in uproarious laughter.